That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
