You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
