I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I wish there were birth control emojis
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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