Will you blow on my dice?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
