btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
