John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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