why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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