I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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