My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
