i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
