Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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