just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
