Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
