i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
