I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
