her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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