i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize