We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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