it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
