ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
