I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
