ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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