I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
