Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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