He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
