It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
