if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
