ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
