does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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