I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
