Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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