i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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