i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
