So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
