You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
