My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
