Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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