now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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