Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
