I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
