I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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