I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
