listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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