if i can run in heels then i can drive
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
