Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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