He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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