I heard we made out
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
