i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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