R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
