it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
