Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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