my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
