now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
