mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
