My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
