So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
